I still dwell in possibility

What a busy week it has been. New trainee last Monday and a new one today, one informal review and one formal reviews done. Michelle has been promoted so I will be training her this week also. Thankfully I've released Andrew from under my wing. I'll have yet another trainee within the next two weeks.

And top it off with Aaron getting fired. I think we were all surprised, but then, we also were not surprised. I feel bad for the guy, I always considered him a friend; but he did it all to himself. He knew people had problems with him as a supervisor. His ability, his willingness, his attitude - Everything. He had 6 months to improve.

While he never should have been promoted in the first place, and I said so from the start (Very vocally which put a strain on our friendship), he had every opportunity to shape up. I mean, just because you are gay it does not give you the right to demean women and make comments about how "boobs are icky". While it never offended me, I can see how it would and how it would make others uncomfortable. It sounds so incredibly childish; and it was - Just think, now he has the fact he was fired (and in part for sexual harassment) is going to really hurt him. I mean, he had it made. What an idiot.

I have to admit, I went easy on him in my review earlier this month. I was honest and stated I felt he improved, but I did not go into a great amount of detail regarding improvement areas. I knew others were going to lambast him, and rightly so. I let the fact he was recently diagnosed with HIV make some of that decision for me. But honestly, he had improved. But man, I didn't want to see him shit on any more. I really did not expect his firing.

I spent entirely too long talking about that.

It is a year today that Friskey died. Words cannot express how completely guilty I feel. I should never have left her to go off on some stupid trip knowing she was going downhill. She so deserved better then that and I will feel guilty the rest of my life for such a selfish act. I remember a friend telling me that maybe she waited until I was gone. But I don't believe it. And I know I made the choice I did, in part, because I couldn't bear to put her to sleep. With Peach in February, I feel good that I made the right decision. But he was suffering - And if Friskey was, I could not see it. Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe that was it.

Maybe I talked so much about work because I didn't want to write about this. I thought this kind of loss got easier with time. I should be happy she lived with me for almost 18 years. I know people make bonds with their pets and they believe their pets were/are the best. It was such a different bond. It was as if we had our own little language. Heh, these are the things I should keep to myself at the risk of sounding crazy.

It has been one hell of a year though. Very difficult and trying. I hope the 30's are better. Aren't they supposed to be the new 20's? Actually, that's probably something that those in their 30's say to make themselves feel better. Heh.

And I have no reason or excuse, but I've started smoking again. It's just strange. After almost a year I just started. Really no urges at all during that time. It was just what was when I wasn't smoking, and now it just what is now. I really don't think I will continue long though. I won't smoke when I go home next month. I really don't want to admit that I started again. Ah, but going home for a week will be real nice.

Some Anniversaries Are A Bitch

Ah Friskey. It's been 6 months since you have passed. I've been such a wreck lately. How can I remember you and appreciate the time we had when everytime I think of you I start to cry? How can I learn to appreciate you?

I'm so sorry I was not there with you when you passed. I should have been and I will feel guilty always. I hope you understand and forgive me. The email Nathan sent me made me feel better and even a little less guilty perhaps, but it will never excuse how I left you.

I need to somehow move on. I need to be able to remember you and just laugh and embrace the almost 18 years we had together. I want to post a few of the letters I received here.

Dear Aunt Bainshee,
I am so sorry about Friskey.....I knew she meant a lot to you. I remember when I was five; you, mom, and Grandma went to the store, and left Zack and I, home to take care of her. I kept trying to get her to chase Zack's blanket strings, but all she did was stare at me, rub against me, and walked away. Later, while I was watching TV, she climbed on my head, and played with my hair.
I know you will miss her...everyone will. She was with us for a long time, but I'm sure, wherever she is, she will always be with you. There will never be another like Friskey, and we will miss her.

Sincerely, Karlee

I need to remind her to stop calling me Aunt. I think it's a novelty though, since I've never had them use Aunt. They don't when speaking. One would never guess she's only in 5th grade. [laughs] But that's Friskey for you. Just stare.

Tears are streaming down my face in sympathy for you right now, Bainshee. I can hardly see to write... I am so touched that you wrote this beautiful eulogy and shared your sorrow and wonderful memories of Friskey with us -- such a wonderful tribute you have paid to her. All of us who have lost precious animal friends are right there with you in your grieving, girlfriend. (I hope you won't mind me sharing this with Susan...)

Love and hugs,
Denise

Bainshee,

Your email made me cry. I had talked with Travis earlier today so I knew about Friskey. I am so sorry. I am trying to nurse Shy Girl right now myself. She has not been able to keep food down for the three days I have been home from a trip myself. She has many problems that I will not go into right now, for you have enough on your mind. Do not feel guilty! All I can say is that I am very sorry for your loss and I know that the words are not enough. Take care Bainshee. I still think of you often. Friskey is in a better place and I know that you will see her again someday.

I love you,
Mom 2

Nathan's is much longer, but I think I'll save it for myself and the others for myself. I'm already starting to lose it anyway. When I feel I can do it, I will draw a sketch for myself of Friskey.

I do want to write happier things though! I will either a little later or tomorrow.

Love you Friskers. Hope you have your own bed and don't have to worry about having to share with selfish youngers!